Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.