A leaf blower, but for people.
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[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
starting a garage orchestra
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.