when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
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With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.