Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
huge if true: the moon
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl