Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.