A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Lol
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”