I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
So the ex texted me
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[shakes fist at other fist]
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.