Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I love the honesty
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away