Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Well, that should do it
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.