Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.