ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.