YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I am a gravy boat captain
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.