I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
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The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?