*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
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Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don鈥檛 worry, simply check-in your bags here. That鈥檚 23 kilos you鈥檒l never see again.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn鈥檛 text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
God: you鈥檙e a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you鈥檙e a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 馃幍 I really can’t staaay … 馃幍
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 馃幍 I have to go a … 馃幍
me – ok, bye!
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I鈥檝e put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I鈥檓 gonna be sore tomorrow.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I tried some new stretches, and now I鈥檝e been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Now that I鈥檓 in charge of Santa鈥檚 milk and cookies, it鈥檚 payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less