Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?