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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO