🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
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Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste