BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds