This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.