What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Delightful if true: booby trap.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.