me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
me working on my assignments ^-^
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Just as the prophecy foretold