My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
According to math, I’m broke
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
called in thicc to work this morning
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms