Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
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“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
mathematically impossible
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
But I really needed water water water
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven