MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Worlds greatest photobomb
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS