I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
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reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I’ve had relationships like this
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.