good morning
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Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Try and stop me.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.