GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.