The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
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ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.