[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Möther may I have a snäck
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”