“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.