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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
You’re the water to my grease fire.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
okay run it by me one more time
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.