Digital security in Ancient Troy
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Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.