*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
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Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer