Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
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.
.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.