if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
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Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.