ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
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barista: *under breath* shit
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
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The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.