Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.