Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
WTF IS THAT!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga