Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
and this one
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The first one, obviously
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.