I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I missed you with all my darts
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?