Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
You Might Also Like
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…