I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex