One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
my name if I was in the mob
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.