DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
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[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
absolutely not
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.