A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
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*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I identify as an antique shop.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
jesus christ confetti not now
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.