Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
unbelievably distressed by this ad
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
But that’s none of my business
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all