*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*