ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
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The three genders.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My wedding will be open casket.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
2 years later
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Brands during Pride
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.