good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
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“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds