mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
You Might Also Like
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.